"There was once a poor girl, as beautiful as she was good, who lived with her wicked stepmother in a house in the forest."
"Forest? Forest is passé, I mean, I've had it with all this wilderness stuff. It's not a right image of our society, today. Let's have some urban for a change."
"There was once a poor girl, as beautiful as she was good, who lived with her wicked stepmother in a house in the suburbs."
"That's better. But I have to seriously query this word poor."
"But she was poor!"
"Poor is relative. She lived in a house, didn't she?"
"Yes."
"Then socio-economically speaking, she was not poor."
"But none of the money was hers! The whole point of the story is that the wicked stepmother makes her wear old clothes and sleep in the fireplace-"
"Aha! They had a fireplace! With poor, let me tell you, there's no fireplace. Come down to the park, come to the subway stations after dark, come down to where they sleep in cardboard boxes, and I'll show you poor!"
"There was once a middle-class girl, as beautiful as she was good-"
"Stop right there. I think we can cut the beautiful, don't you? Women these days have to deal with too many intimidating physical role models as it is, what with those bimbos in the ads. Can't you make her, well, more average?"
"There was once a girl who was a little overweight and whose front teeth stuck out, who-"
"I don't think it's nice to make fun of people's appearances. Plus, you're encouraging anorexia."
"I wasn't making fun! I was just describing-"
"Skip the description. Description oppresses. But you can say what colour she was."
"What colour?"
"You know. Black, white, red, brown, yellow. Those are the choices. And I'm telling you right now, I've had enough of white. Dominant culture this, dominant culture that-"
"I don't know what colour."
"Well, it would probably be your colour, wouldn't it?"
"But this isn't about me! It's about this girl-"
"Everything is about you."
"Sounds to me like you don't want to hear this story at all."
"Oh well, go on. You could make her ethnic. That might help."
"There was once a girl of indeterminate descent, as average-looking as she was good, who lived with her wicked-"
"Another thing. Good and wicked. Don't you think you should transcend those puritanical judgmental moralistic epithets? I mean, so much of that is conditioning, isn't it?"
"There was once a girl, as average-looking as she was well-adjusted, who lived with her stepmother, who was not a very open and loving person because she herself had been abused in childhood."
"Better. But I am so tired of negative female images! And stepmothers-they always get it in the neck! Change it to stepfather, why don't you? That would make more sense anyway, considering the bad behaviour you're about to describe. And throw in some whips and chains. We all know what those twisted, repressed, middle-aged men are like-"
"Hey, just a minute! I'm a middle-aged-"
"Stuff it, Mister Nosy Parker. Nobody asked you to stick in your oar, or whatever you want to call that thing. This is between the two of us. Go on."
"There was once a girl-"
"How old was she?"
"I don't know. She was young."
"This ends with a marriage, right?"
"Well, not to blow the plot, but-yes."
"Then you can scratch the condescending paternalistic terminology. It's woman, pal. Woman."
"There was once-"
"What's this was, once? Enough of the dead past. Tell me about now."
"There-"
"So?"
"So, what?"
"So, why not here?"
3 comments:
Father pig, who is a highly respected pig and works for a living is married to Mother pig, who is of equal status, and also works for a living. This specific family of pigs like to split what they earn exactly in half, and like to take equal responsibility in the upbringing of their young ones.(Mainly because Father pig has had it up to his bacon with all of his wife’s feminist talk.)
After a hard days work for the pair of the parent pigs they decide to take an early night. The next morning, Mother Pig is sick, and nine months down the line three porky little piggies are born.
Our three pigs’ names are Pinky, Perky, and Herald. Pinky is the porky one of the three.. Perky, is much livelier and loves to run around, exercise and play games, especially as he has a caffeine addiction. Herald, despite being dropped at birth, is the brainy pig, hence his "real" name.
One day Mother and Father Pig decide to tell the three that enough is enough and that they must go out and build houses for themselves so they can start their own lives. The three young pigs take as many tools and resources they can gather and each set off in different directions.
Being the only girl of the three, Pinky would stereotypically need protecting by her brothers, but this pig can fight her own battles and decides to build her house far away from the boys. Perky runs as fast as he can away from home, climbing hills, crawling under electric fences and trekking through forests. Herald, sets off slowly, measuring pollutants in the air, grass lengths and rainfall amounts, until he finds a moist, green patch where the air is clear.
However, we all know pigs can’t build houses and so all three end up getting lost and dying of starvation and dehydration. Just kidding. Surprisingly all three build quite different yet effective forms of shelter.
A few weeks into living their new lives the pigs think their futures are set. That is until an escaped wolf from the nearby zoo wonders into the area that Pinky built her home. Being that little bit larger than most pigs the wolf expected her to be slow, weak and an easy target. Hr crept up behind Pinky whilst she was sunbathing in her front garden she had just finished putting a white picket fence around, but the pig noticed the approaching predator, turned slowly and stared into his big black eyes.
"Wolfy," she said "I wouldn’t try anything if I were you." The wolf didn’t speak the same language as pigs and so didn’t have the slightest idea what Pinky had just said. He stepped ever closer licking his lips until Pinky let out a huge scream. The wolf didn’t know what was happening and became confused, he looked around to see if something tragic was happening, but when he looked back at the pig she was mid air, and mid flow through a lethal roundhouse kick. The wolf was out for the count, and so Pinky put him on an open fire and ate him for tea.
Perky was doing well for himself until he started to lust for his beloved caffeine. He was much sleepier without his daily dose and become lazy. An eagle from the forest he ran through had followed him since he passed the great trees the eagle was nested in, and knowing Perky was now tired he began to plan his attack. The eagle waited until Perky was completely asleep, and he swooped down on him. However without his recent energy boosts Perky had stopped exercising and become slightly fatter around the edges. The poor eagle couldn’t lift the fat pig, and tired himself out until he could fly no more. The eagle passed out next to Perky, and during his sleep the pig rolled over, smothering the bird and killing him slowly.
Herald, on the other hand, had just finished developing a cure for cancer, and had just been knighted by the Queen. He had developed a lab where he did all kinds of things and won many awards for his findings. Until one day, the satellite on his roof that kept track of extra terrestrial life was struck by lightning and instantly cooked the house and everything inside. Poor Herald, was smoky bacon.
Sam Ellis
The long dull journey was not what the pigs expected when they found that they had won a free trip thanks to a Twix bar. Nevertheless, the excitement and enthusiasm spilled into the air and John, Mark and Sue were ready to see their soon to be holiday.
Mark was the most average pig in all of Piglet history. He made £28,000 the most average of pig wages. Had 6 children, the average amount, and was 8, the average age of pigs during late 2050. Since he was such an average guy, he used the MLIA website, to post updates of his average life. This caused him to pay poor attention to what was happening around him, which again (obviously) was an average thing for an average pig to do. Unlike Mark, John was not average. He in fact was more than average. John liked to look his best, not matter where he was. Some, like Sue, call him crazy as it was not unusual for John to grease back his hair just to go for a muck about in his own s**t in the afternoon. Recently, John had lost his close friend Phillip and Salt Water Juggler fish to and unknown cause. A local report states that “Phillip Juggler was last seen going out for a meal and did not return” (poor guy) so his close pals offered this free trip to him. Finally Sue was even more extreme. Sue at just the age of 5 has already travelled around every continent on earth, travelled to space alongside her sister-in-law Spot to become the first (female) pig in space thanks to the Soviet Union and created a time travel machine that unfortunately broke a fortnight ago after she travelled back in time 40 Billion years, causing he to be stuck in the past. None the less, she quickly bonded with John and Mark, and so also come along for their free trip.
Upon arrival the pigs were stunned. They had come to Hutlings, a holiday camp where they were joined by 100’s of other pigs. However, the lack of fun within the camp soon irritated the pigs, and noticing they weren’t issued with their own 4 digit number across their back in blue ink, felt left out, so explored what was going on outside a buzzing fence.
After roughly 37 minutes, the pigs were well and truly lost, but thanks to Sue’s pioneering knowledge of the world, waddled towards what seemed like a local. And correct she was. Local baker Wolfsting but the outcome was a shock to the three pigs. The local bloke stole Marks iPhone, bit off John’s leg and was heading towards Sue who was almost falling from the cliff. Luckily, thanks to her Dave Bond style pen (Hollywood private eye for PO3) was able to back flip over the crazed man, grab hold of her pals and spotted a moving object with large amounts of smoke being blasted from the back. She knew that it was a human and that wolfs were sacraed of them.
Her calculations were correct thankfully and the wolf ran away. The kind giant picked up the three friends, opened up two very large doors, and put them into a bed alongside 1000’s of friendly piglets sleeping who were returning from the holiday camp. The three little pigs eyes closed and they drifted off to the dreams alongside their new friends.
Due to the injuries John sustained while on holiday he never did wake up, but thankfully he donated his body to science and 2 months later his skin was used for Porky’s Pork Scratching. Mark was also used for better cause after he was murdered while sleeping. His body is currently on sale at the meat section in ASDA for £4.73. He will expire on 17th June 2051. Now all that is left to mention is the outcome of Sue, the female who did not have the two very masculine men to help her. Actually no. She did okay. Sue is now the face of funny, being the latest hit on YouTube and just signed 2 3 year deals for Animals do the Funniest Things on ITV Tuesdays 6pm and WWF Endangered British Pigs.
Carl Larkin
Once upon a time in a world filled of inequalities, lived three very humble pigs and their mother. They were classed by society as three of the meatiest, chubbiest and pinkest pigs of them all! With the most beautiful mother of them all…
‘O’ she would cry every morning after seeing her reflection in the mirror.
‘I am a beauty, I truly am so blessed.”
Just then she would gaze over to her three children with pride. Casper, Kenneth and Isabella, Casper, with his soft ravishing pink skin attracting all the female attention. Kenneth of his wide spread intellectual knowledge and Isabella because of her acts of pure kindness.
But one horrid winter’s evening, when the gale winds soared and the rain drops fell wildly, mother pig’s anger fumed. “WHATTT” she yelled, seeing Casper her eldest and most beautiful child bring home a grey wolf.
“NO.” she continuously argued.
“Never in a pigs year, never will I let you two, be together. What would the neighbours say?”
But no matter how Pink Casper and his grey wolf argued, they were banished away from society, to a land far far away. Treated as the bad ‘meat’ of the family.
Once upon a time in a world filled of ignorance, live two very humble pigs and their mother. They were seen as a family that suffered many injustices by the bad meat they possessed (Casper: Refer to book 1 for more information on him or facebook him: Casper Swine, to find an exclusive interview from him on how he dealt with being exiled) but as time passed on and as seasons changed, they grew and began to live pink lives happily. They were seen as the most scrumptious of them all with the most beautiful mother of them all…
‘O’ she would cry every morning after seeing her reflection in the mirror.
‘I am a beauty, I truly am so blessed.”
But one miserable winter’s evening, life changed to a horrid direction.
“ Mother …”
“ Yes, my dear”
“ I I I I I .. Im t-t-the cause of it”
“ Cause of what, my dear?”
“ SWINE FLU”
“Well I am Utterly ashamed of you, you must leave at once. What would the neighbours say?”
… And with that Kenneth, the most brightest of them all, disappeared on out in to the blistering winds.
Once upon a time in a world filled of selfishness, live a very humble pig and her mother. They were looked on by society as the ‘Pigs that had it all once’ but managed to loose it all when the most appealing and appetizing dishes of them left. ( Caper : See Chapter 1 and Kenneth, well nobody knows about him. Rumour is he rolls around in mud for FUN!) Well anyways… They had the most beautiful mother of them all…
‘O’ she would cry every morning after seeing her reflection in the mirror.
‘I am a beauty, I truly am so blessed.”
But one sparkling twilight evening, her daughter came to her feet and exclaimed.
“ Oh mother, I have found peace within myself .. by helping endangered wolves”
“ WHATT, Nooo Way .. Not those creatures. They are dirty, filthy and horrid things. What Would the neighbours say?”
And with that, the final of the three siblings left, to fulfil her desire in helping others.
So that was it. Because of her Prejeduces, ignorance and selfishness against others, mother pig lost all that was dear to her.
“ Well actually. No I didn’t … I haven’t … Really… Im happy !” (Mother Pig)
“ Your kinda well like ruining my story, I have to hand it in. Its Homework!” (Me)
“Well I didn’t loose anything really. Im still beautiful. That’s all that maters too me!! (Mother Pig)
“ Your not real.” (Me)
“You made me. I am REAL” (Mother Pig)
“Okay … Whatever …” (ME)
… And then unexpectedly WOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH, gale forces rushed and then BANG! … Mother pig gained three permanent spots on her face from the lovely step mother (From Cinderella, that’s a whole other story don’t get me started on how she was bullied by that awful Cinders) to remind her and all of society around them, of what happens when Pigs become selfish!!
Sameerah!
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